If your partner is cheating, you must face the truth

Everybody's talking about CheckMate

The Latest Revolution in Home Test Kits

March 01, 2008|
By Maryann James
Baltimore Sun

If you watched even one movie on Lifetime, you know the cliched signs of infidelity: suspicious hotel receipts, mysterious phone calls to the house, late-night stay-overs for "business."

But in the real world, how can you tell if your significant other is cheating?

Brad Holmes of Seattle says that his product, CheckMate, can help. For $49.99, you can receive two kits to test the underwear of your significant other for evidence of cheating. Holmes, who says he got the idea while watching a similar process on Court TV nine years ago, says his business and similar ones have grown drastically in the years since he started.

And it appears he's right. Apart from CheckMate, there are plenty of tools available for the suspicious S.O., from spying software to decoy cameras (one I found poses as a clock radio). But what does this say about relationships that this industry is flourishing?

"It's the beginning of the information age, and that's what [people] want," says Holmes. "Life is short, and people want answers now."

He says his business is about giving people the power to find out the truth and possibly get out of bad relationships.

But relationships counselor Janet Drew-Manson says that subterfuge and spying is not the way to go. "I think it's terribly sad that people have to be so uncomfortable that they have to check up on the ones they love," says Drew-Manson, a licensed clinical professional counselor based in Lutherville. "That makes me very sad. They should see a counselor if they're in that kind of relationship."

Eric Yarbrough of Woodlawn agrees. He says that the need to sneak and spy indicates insecurity.

"If you've gotta do that, that's too much," he says. "If you're insecure and do all that, you shouldn't be with the person. And if they're not cheating, that's what will run them away."

Elizabeth Heartlove Nichols, 41, of Joppa says that people are suspicious by nature. And in this day and age, it's much easier to cheat. However, Nichols, who is married with four kids, says that suspicion is the least of her worries.

"If my husband was cheating, I would know it," she says. It's a sixth sense that all women have, she says. "We need it to take care of our children."

But without test kits and women's intuition, how are you to tell if your significant other is cheating? What if you find a suspicious receipt or notice unknown numbers on the phone bill?

"I would face it," says Drew-Manson. " `Well, I found this on the telephone bill. What's going on?' And if you find that person has a lover, then deal with it."

She says that you should be comfortable enough in your relationship to ask these things directly. And even if your S.O. lies, as Holmes says he or she will, and you find out later, you can deal with it then.

Yarbrough, 30, says he's never cheated, because he has adopted the straightforward approach that Drew-Manson recommends.

"I'd rather tell a person that things are not working," he says. However, he says that few people are willing to do that. And fewer people are willing to even face that their partner is cheating.

"It's definitely more acceptable in this day and age: `I'd rather not find out,' " he says. "A lot of people are comfortable with certain people, because dating is tough."

When I talked to Holmes, he said he knew how my column was going to turn out: I would present his product, and then bring out the experts who say it's the wrong way to go. I told him he probably was right.

However, though people differ on approaches to finding the truth, everyone speaks to the same conclusion: You must face the truth. Whether it's through testing or cameras or asking point-blank, if you're searching for the truth, you have to be ready to face possible infidelity and all that comes with it.

Holmes says he always warns people that they should be prepared for all possibilities when they use his product. "You've got to be prepared for the results."

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