ROB MORSE
Monday, September 10, 2001

"You don't have to be lied to anymore."

That's not a political slogan, but a slogan for a product that probably should be used on politicians. It's called "Checkmate, the 5-Minute Infidelity Test Kit."

The product comes with a warning, according to Brad Holmes, the Seattle entrepreneur who has been selling Checkmate worldwide for 18 months. The warning is "Be prepared for the results."

"I've heard a lot of stories from shaken people who do the test and it comes out positive," said Holmes. "Of course, you hope the test is going to be negative."

Briefly, the test involves stealing your spouse's used briefs. Then you swab them with a solution, pat it with a piece of "lift paper," and then put a few drops of a solution on the paper to test for the presence of semen. If there's semen present, the paper turns purple.

"That's good, purple, the color of passion," said a woman friend, who's used to testing for blue, the color of pregnancy.

Look, she's not that close a friend. Go ahead, test my shorts.

Men can be tested for infidelity, too, but they have a distinct advantage over women. They have an excuse known on "Seinfeld" as failing to be masters of their domains.

Holmes thinks that, depending on their situation, women are smart enough to see through that excuse after getting a positive result on the infidelity test.

Indeed, one of the testimonials on the getcheckmate.com Web site is from a woman in Del Mar who wrote that she got a positive result from her husband's skivvies, heard the master of the domain excuse, but she's going to divorce him anyway.

"This is great that you have this product," said the woman in wealthy Del Mar. "Now I can make his life hell."

Holmes says that even though a Checkmate kit only costs $49.95, and soon may be available through QVC, it's used by people who have something to lose, money, property or real estate.  

Private investigators use his product, he says. He also sells kits to parents who want to monitor their children's sexual activities.

Another reason to be glad I'm not a parent. I don't even have to consider asking a teenager to hand over undies after a date.

Holmes says that he gets plenty of abuse from callers when he goes on talk shows. People say he's sick to invent a product to literally go through someone's dirty underwear.

"There's nothing sick or strange about it," says Holmes. "If they're willing to lie, how is this any different?"

Guys, let's put ourselves in the shoes, and underpants, of women for a minute. I'm speaking strictly metaphorically, of course, even though this is San Francisco.

As my friend who commented on the color purple said, "It figures that a man would invent an infidelity test and it serves men better than women. We can't write our names in the snow either."

And so it's been since snow was discovered.

"It's unfair," said my friend. "I bet more men are unfaithful than women."

So we ran through a few non-chemical tests for infidelity in men to overcome their advantage on the chemical one.

Instead of checking their husband's undies, women should check for snappy new clothes worn over those undies.

Women should worry about husbands who need smaller undies because of sudden weight loss and exercise programs.

Women should worry about men who claim they're staying late at work because they're jockeying for a promotion that never comes.

Or simply check to see if your husband changes his underwear every day. A guy who does so out of habit probably would never cheat on you -- too messy. Ordinary slobs who suddenly need clean underwear every day aren't thinking about emergency rooms.

The inventor of the 5 Minute Infidelity Test Kit has a warning for users besides "Be prepared for the results." No, it is not "Dispose of guns before use," although maybe it ought to be.

Holmes advises abstinence from sex with your spouse for a week before testing underpants, or a purple spot may be communal property, so to speak.

"Of course, people in this situation usually aren't having sex anyway," said Holmes.

And that's another infidelity test, but why would you care? I guess because for a lot of people in bad marriages, a purple spot means green in court.